Diarrhea of the Mouth and I'm In Need of Toilet Paper

Did you miss me? Oh yes you did...

Ahhh… a long hiatus. It was fabulous but let’s get back to the funny farm, shall we?

What would people REALLY do for a Klondike bar?
Nothing. They don't taste THAT great. I'd pay $2.39 for a package of them, that's about it. But I bet some sick fuck would do LOTS for them, hence the need for mental institutions. Now an almond covered chocolate dipped Häagen-Dazs® bar...that's another story. I'd commit murder of small endangered tree frogs for one of those.

Going green...one small step for man.
Is there such thing as too much green? I think so. Just last week I was walking to my car after a short jaunt at the local grocery store. I was feeling all enviro-helpful and green-minded when an elderly man shot me down from my semi-euphoric state of self-righteousness. He glances my way and mumbles to his wife, "Fifty bucks says he gets in the gas guzzler." I was shocked, offended and generally pissed so I loaded my groceries into my oversized Ford Expedition and waited for him to leave to run over his crotchety old ass. Look asshole, I saved a plastic bag from a landfill today. No one said I give a damn about our smog quality. Jesus.

Foreplay anyone?
In the words of a wise man: “I’m pretty sure tater tots count as foreplay.” Let’s ponder this for a moment. No more overpriced bouquets of rotting vegetation for the lady of your night. No more candies that she never eats because it makes her “feel fat”. No more smelly candles. No more cheap champagne and pretending like you actually like the taste of it. Just a bag of Ore Ida spuds and some ketchup. Eureka! It’s golden!

More ramblings shortly. This indigestion is just getting started...

Vacation's Over and My Mind Is Overflowing!

Back to the insanity! You know you missed my useless ramblings and gratifying moments of "Ah ha!". Sure you did.

Have you ever seen a sunflower on a cloudy day? At sunrise, the faces of most sunflowers are turned towards the east. They "rise" with the sun. On a cloudy day, they face the ground. They look all sullen and depressed. It is a rather depressing feast on the eyes. They look confused. Don't believe me? Go to your local sunflower farm and watch the progression during a mostly cloudy day. It'll bring a tear to your eye. Okay, not really. Unless you are one of those tree-hugging hippie freaks. Woodstock was ages ago. Evolve and move on with the times you hemp wearing freaks.

Tootsie Roll Pops? Invented in 1931 by Tom Medric, and known the world over. (Kindest regards to Wikipedia, my internet fact slave.)
You've all seen the commercials. The dialog goes like this:

Boy: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

Mr. Owl: A good question. Let's find out. A One... A two-HOO...A three...

(crunch sound effect)

Mr. Owl: Three!

Boy: If there's anything I can't stand, it's a smart owl.

Narrator: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

(crunch sound effect)

Narrator: The world may never know.

Oh, I know! It's way the hell more than 3 if you are actually licking it. I wonder what the true count is for getting to the center? And do they mean when you first get a spot in the hard shell and you can just see a little of the center, or do they mean when all that is left is the center tootsie roll itself? Someone get to licking and let me know how that turns out. I don't have the patience and always just bite into it.

MTV's Video Music Awards are complete shit. I remember when people actually showcased talent on the show (although it has been sometime). It used to mean something to get a Moonman. What was that crap this year? And the host, Russell Brand? What a piece of useless shit he was. Not only was he not funny, but he was so annoying that I could not get to the mute button fast enough to stop his babble. Poor Kid Rock, he still sucks. How in God's name did Britney Spears get a Moonman, lest alone 3 of them? Her comeback has been less than impressive, bordering on super suckage. I think they gave it to her out of pity. Her acceptance speech was pretty pitiful too, saying the same thing verbatim each time. If you missed this waste of 2 hours of your life, you should get on youtube.com and look for the highlights. Even they suck. Suffer with me.


What is with the damn FOX NFL dancing robot? His moves suck and frankly he is a bit distracting. Players get fined a flag for "unsportsmanlike celebration" like that in the end zone and now we have to watch some computer robot do it? Can I yellow flag FOX for this? Let's put him on Dancing With the Stars or So You Think You Can Dance. That would be much more entertaining that him popping up on the left of my screen during a crucial play of the game doing his calisthenics. Then I can change the channel when his wanna-be Transformers ass pops up on the screen doing the worm.


Why is there braille at the drive up ATM? I think that people who suffer from the loss of, or never having, sight should be able to do the same things that everyone does...within reason. Driving? Really, I ask, is this safe? I could understand the use of braille on the regular walk up ATM but for the drive up? I'm sure there is some logical explanation that the ATM manufacturing company just makes one model and it is implemented either into a wall or into a free standing podium. It just freaks me out, thinking that "what if" it really is for it's intended purpose at the drive up? What if it really is made for blind drivers? Yes, it could be for the blind passenger but can't they just use the walk up model? Now I find myself looking to see if the guy behind me has a seeing eye dog sitting in the passenger seat.

Onto the News Of the Weird:

Tight Jeans & Murder?
Italian and U.K. legal authorities have recently discarded rule interpretations based on embarrassingly anachronistic stereotypes of women. In July, Italy's Court of Cassation reversed a 1999 ruling creating a legal presumption that a woman wearing tight jeans could not be the victim of rape because such jeans would be impossible to remove without her assistance. [Daily Telegraph (London), 7-23-08]

Coincidentally, at about the same time, the British government formally removed the special, ameliorating defense of "provocation" for husbands charged with murdering their wives, thus putting domestic homicide on the same footing as other homicides. (Some husbands had received lesser penalties by claiming that their wives' affairs had provoked them to murder.) [Daily Telegraph (London), 7-22-08]

My Writings Will One Day Be Famous

In July, Leroy Mcafee, 55, was charged in Austin, Texas, with molesting an 11-year-old girl but confessed to police that he had molested two others, as well. However, he refused to describe those incidents because he wanted to save that information for his autobiography. [American-Statesman, 7-8-08]

What Is Wrong With This Picture? He Was Only Charged With WHAT?

In July, Port St. Lucie, Fla., police stopped Timothy Placko in his car on a wooded road and discovered inside a blond wig, rope, binoculars, a small machete, knives, gloves, two bullet casings and a film canister that contained 18 human teeth. Also on the seat was a stack of women's sonograms that Placko said he had downloaded from the Internet. He originally told police that he had pulled off the road to call (improbably) a "girlfriend," but then admitted he was not calling anyone. He was charged with carrying a concealed weapon. [WPEC-TV (West Palm Beach), 7-7-08]

I Swear We Just Had This Talk...

In July, St. Mary's Airport on the Isles of Scilly (off the southwest coast of England) posted a vacancy announcement for air traffic controller that added, helpfully, that applications were available in alternative languages, "in larger text (or) Braille." [The Herald (Plymouth), 7-10-08]

"I See", said the blind man, to the deaf mute, who could only hear with his eyes.

Life's like a box of chocolates. Eat too many, you will throw up. It's that simple. Screw Forrest Gump.

Bubbles? Who was the first fool to sit around, make a wand, and blow useless soap bubbles? Sure they are cool, when you are 3, but after that...really? What is the point or the purpose? According to wikipedia: 17th century Flemish paintings show children blowing bubbles with clay pipes. This means that bubbles as playthings are at least 400 years old. The London based firm of A. & F. Pears created a famous advertisement campaign for its soaps in 1886 using a painting by Millais of a child playing with bubbles. A Chicago company called Chemtoy began selling bubble solution in the 1940s, and they have captivated children ever since. According to one industry estimate, retailers sell around 200 million bottles annually, perhaps more than any other toy.
Whatever.

Scrambled Eggs? Were they meant to be this way originally or was it an oops by some cook? AH HA! For once I even stumped wikipedia the internet know-all guru!

Exactly how big was the itsy bitsy spider?

Why are planets round? Yeah, yeah, something to do with rotation. But if God created them, does he have a liking to marbles as well? Does he like mainly round things best?

Mystery Science Theatre 3000. What idiot took this off the airwaves? Holy hell this show was funny!

What is a "Bing" or "Bong"? If you have no idea what the hell I am talking about, go to www.tinyplanets.com and look at Bing & Bong. No shit, they are aliens...but really? WTF are they modeled after?

Has anyone found "Nessie" yet? You know, in ol' Loch Ness? Didn't think so. He's probably hiding with BigFoot, the Abominable Snowman, Yeti, Dragons, Fairies, Chupacabra, etc. I bet they all hang out and play poker. Wouldn't you like to be a fly on the wall at these games. "So Bob...piss off any humans lately?" "Yeah man, had them believing that I was thumping sticks together in the woods last week. It was just a recording of them talking, played back over and over at slow speed. Retards."

And for today's news of the weird! (Thx to news of the weird website!)

Penis! Penis! Get your penis!
"The days of the ceramics trade here are numbered," lamented Francisco Figueriredo, 68, and the specific ceramics trade of his region (Portugal's Caldas da Rainha) happens to be ornamental penises. For more than 30 years, Figueriredo and his wife have been two of a small number of craftspeople who have shaped and molded various models for export (e.g., mugs with penis extensions, penis-shaped bottles, ceramic soccer figures with penises peeking out from under flags). A July Reuters dispatch attributed the decline to a general loss in the provocativeness of public sexual displays. [Reuters, 7-4-08]

Insert dueling banjos here...
The government of France announced that, starting next year, it will regulate the booming business of country-western line dancing, by, among other measures, requiring licenses of teachers, after 200 hours' instruction. Inexplicably, at least 100,000 people in the country line dance weekly, and the popularity is growing, according to a May dispatch in The Times of London. A French Dance Federation official said he guesses the preference of line dancing over square dancing is the French preference for no physical contact. [The Times (London), 5-31-08]

Fish stress?
The president of Japan's Osakana Planning Co. told attendees of the Japanese Seafood Show in July that his tuna makes superior sushi because his company administers acupuncture to each fish prior to its death, in order to reduce stress. [The Times (London), 7-25-08]

Nudity okay. Smoking BAD!
A Welsh oil painting, "Newport Nudes," which was mothballed 60 years ago for being too brazen for public display because the model is naked, drew fresh criticism when reintroduced in July at a public gallery in Wales but this time only because the naked model is holding a cigarette. [The Times (London), 7-23-08]

Sir, I never touched that child...but the dog over there, I tapped that ass once or twice.
Rodney McLagan, 48, acknowledged that a few pornographic images of children might have been among the 31,000 that he had downloaded from the Internet, but that he has never had a sexual interest in children. Rather, almost all of the images are of adults having sex with animals. As his lawyer pointed out in court in Hobart, Australia, in July, McLagan has such low self-esteem that he considers himself, too, a "beast." Included in the sex collection were dogs, ponies, snakes, tigers and, in one case, an octopus. [Mercury (Hobart), 7-4-08]

Money & your local potty.
In June, police in Spokane, Wash., arrested Calvin Robinson, 19, who had set up inside the lockable family restroom at a mall because he needed an electrical outlet to run the color printer he had just bought for $100 (in real money) in order to make counterfeit $10 bills. Police recovered a sheet of uncut, poorly made copies, which Robinson said he had intended to use to buy "90 dollars" worth of marijuana. [Spokesman-Review (Spokane), 6-6-08]

More soon, my head hurts.

Stop the world I wanna get off!

Yet another day, yet another random brain explosion. Random thoughts and odd articles.

Today's bullshit:

When I see a weasel in the wild, I want to cuddle with it. Ferrets, on the other hand, gross me out. WTF is wrong with me? The look similar.

Do birds have lips? I know they have a beak, but are there technically lips at the end of that beak?

How much wood could a woodchuck really chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Many have pondered this. Has anyone came up with a real answer?

Who was the first dumb ass to realize that if you urinate on a jellyfish wound, you'll feel much better? I mean really, let's ponder this. Someone gets stung by a jellyfish, and blam, they want to pee on it? Riiiiight. I want to shake this guy's hand. No wait. No I don't.

What idiot tried Preparation H so that it has to say "Do not ingest" on the label? In the words of Jeff Foxworthy "I wonder how that'd taste on a cracker?"

Who wrote the instructions on enemas? It reads "Wait until the urge to evacuate is strong". WTF? If you have ever had an enema you know that the urge to evacuate is strong the exact second you stick the tip up your ass! This is before even squirting the fluid up there!

Caviar? Seriously folks...caviar?! Who sat by a pond, a lake, an ocean shore and thought "Damn, those fish eggs look SOOOO good?" They should be shot. Ick! The texture alone freaks me out. And then there is the smell and the taste...

Shaken not stirred? In my years of bartending, and attending many bars, I have never once seen anyone ask for a stirred martini. Why should Bond even have to make that statement. Was it cooler to have a stirred martini "back in the day"? I know it was first thought by Bond in the book Diamonds Are Forever in 1956, although not physically spoken until 1958 in the motion picture Dr. No (thank you Wikipedia, the Internet know all guru).

Once in making a martini, I had some guy ask for over half the glass to be olive juice. He then asked for an additional side rocks glass with olive juice. That is the dirtiest martini I have ever made. It was like oily soup. Might as well have just asked for a side of vodka & vermouth with a glass of olive juice. Makes me want to retch just thinking back on it. "And don't forget the 6 olives"...pardon me while I puke.

It's shit like this that makes me wonder what in the hell really goes on in a monastery. This is a real article. Nice stress outlet you got there, Friar!
Brother Cesare Bonizzi, 62, of a Capuchin Friars monastery near Milan, Italy, is the lead singer in a heavy-metal band that recently released its second album, "Misteri" ("Mysteries"), following a successful performance at Italy's "Gods of Metal" festival (headlined by Iron Maiden and, ironically, Judas Priest). On stage, the white-flowing-bearded Brother Cesare booms out gritty but non-proselytizing lyrics while wearing his traditional brown robe. He told BBC News in July that his superiors have never interfered with his sideline and that he plans to send a copy of the new album to the pope. "He's a music lover, and metal is music." [BBC News, 7-18-08]

Is society really THAT lazy. Read this one...also a real article.
A rotating ice cream cone on which the scoop gently revolves counter-clockwise, so that lazy people merely stick their tongues out and need not actively lick (sold by Kitchen Craft in the UK). [Daily Telegraph (London), 6-10-08]

And you think I have issues. Not so much compared to this poor kid.
A 10-year-old British boy had such a severe obsessive-compulsive disorder that he was overwrought with guilt that he had caused the Sept. 11 World Trade Center attacks, in that he had not been able that day to make his ritual step upon a particular mark in the street. Writing in June in the journal Neurocase, psychologists at University College London said the boy recovered only when they convinced him that the attacks had already started by the time he would have made his usual step.[Daily Telegraph (London), 6-28-08]

The 80's have finally had a scientific impact!
Higher-Order Animal Research: Britain's Sea Life Centre announced a study in July that would give octopuses Rubik's Cubes to play with, to ascertain whether they use a certain tentacle for such activities, or any tentacle at random. [Daily Mail (London), 7-7-08]

Dude...an armband would have sufficed.
Sam Bloomfield, 58, grew up poor on Tonga but arrived here in 1976 and says he has tried to show his gratitude ever since, according to a July 4 profile in his hometown Herald of Everett, Wash. He has tattooed "God Bless America" under his left eye, "Land of the Free" under his right eye and a large "USA" across his forehead, and last year underwent another 15 painful hours with the needle to cover the rest of his face with stars and stripes resembling an American flag so that he can toast his beloved country in the mirror every morning. [Seattle Post-Intelligencer-Everett Herald, 7-4-08]

This is so not funny, yet I am in pain from laughing so hard.
After complaints by neighbors, police went to an apartment in Framingham, Mass., in July to quell a raucous screaming match between two women who, it turns out, are deaf. [MetroWest Daily News (Framingham), 7-15-08]

Kick her ass Granny! Do you think her scooter insurance will cover the damages?
In Crawley, England, in July, police were called to a supermarket to break up a fight between two grandmothers, who were ramming each other in their mobility scooters. [Daily Telegraph (London), 7-10-08]

Guess she's not a God fearing woman?
In June, a woman walking in a parking lot near Fort Walton Beach, Fla., with her two children was nearly struck by a car, but gently approached the driver to let her know the kids were unhurt. Inexplicably, the driver erupted, and when the woman tried to calm her by offering her a church brochure, the furious driver grabbed it, pulled her own pants down, and, according to a police report, "wiped her female anatomy" with it as the mother shielded her children's eyes. [Northwest Florida Daily News, 6-10-08]


(Thanks to News of the Weird for collecting the articles for me. Keeps me from having to read so many websites. There is some crazy shit going on in this world.)

So here we are. Where is here?

In Latin: Saxum volutum non obducitur musco

According to Wikipedia.com, The television show MythBusters ran an experiment over the course of six months and managed to prove that a rolling stone does, in fact, gather no moss. I am too stubborn of a stone to roll these days. In the words of Led Zepplin, "To be a rock and not to roll..." That is a more acurate description of me nowadays. I am a rock, my responsibilities do not allow me to roll. C'est la vie!

Today's random thoughts:

Do boogers have smell? Do we smell air? Or do we smell the boogers? Hmmm...breathe deep and think this one over.

Do beavers ever get sap stuck on their teeth. Kinda like plaque build-up? Makes me want to brush my teeth just thinking about it.

What happens when a black hole gets full?

If every action has an equal and opposite reaction, does that mean for every good thing we do, someone else does something bad?

Do penguins have knees? (a family favorite)

Do snowmen cry ice cubes?

Where do the voices in my head really come from?

Just a few to start off your evening...